I do not feel the flow now. I have many doubts.
It is not easy to explain this, write about this. There is an obstacle in the way.
It is wonderful to have this process going on, this yellow road and path and whatever it is, yes… but it is not a smooth process, it is lots of dreams, lots of ideas, lots of talking, and quite a lot of planning - the actual concrete doing is mostly missing. So far. At least that is how I feel. The real meaningfulness comes in what we give to other people - or?
I believe that doing is so crucial, that is when you really experience things, and have the possibility to learn things - and I feel pain in all situations where there is too much of talking and too little of doing. So, what is stopping me? Can I not start to do things, what do I wait for? Well, I like talking, dreaming, and planning, also. I often feel it like it really is doing. For a while. And in that period I feel fine, it is nice to be there.
Then suddenly the flow breaks. I feel unbalanced, dizzy. I realise that I need to be more present, not in the future. And I start to worry about the future, which could be totally different compared to what I expect and dream.
I believe that you need to take care of yourself now. NOW. Can you feel calmness just now? I recently saw the film Sound of Metal. Ruben, the main character, is given the task to just sit on a chair in an empty room. If he can not stand it, he shall write in a book, whatever he likes. But, sitting on the chair, doing nothing, is the real task. There are so many layers to this.
Would I be able to do such a task? And, I believe that that is really doing, really concrete. Much more than talking and planning. But of course, when I speak about doing, I mean much more productive things, big achievements. Not creating harmony, bliss. I tend to run around, in circles or here and there. I am not the worst, I see many people who do this much more, but still, I try to do many things, but tend to achieve quite little.
My tendency is toward an optimistic view on life - but just now, and on and off, I feel an urge for being more pessimistic. It resonates better with my feelings at this moment. Maybe it is the way to find flow again?
Fredrik Hagstedt